Love, as Jesus taught it, is profoundly different from the way our society often approaches love. Love is commonly practiced today in a transactional manner: “I will love you if you love me, first.” We can easily love those who love us, those who are like us, or those who benefit us.
For Jesus, love was anything but transactional. Jesus' approach to love was radically different. It was far more than simply being nice, and it was certainly more than romantic attraction.
To understand the character trait of love from a Christian perspective, it’s helpful to understand some of the language used in the New Testament.
Four Expressions of Love
There are four Greek words commonly associated with different expressions of love.
Phileo describes affection and friendship – the attraction and care that draws people towards one another. It carries the sense of brotherly love, concern, care and hospitality, particularly among family and good friends. We see this kind of affection in passages such as Matthew 10:37 and John 11:3, 36.
Stergo describes familial affection – the natural love shared within close relationships, such as between parents and children or other members of a family. The New Testament uses the word negatively when describing people who have “no love” Romans 1:31 or “without love” 2 Timothy 3:3 and positively in Romans 12:10, where believers are encouraged to have genuine affection for one another.
Eros describes physical or sensual love. While this concept was certainly understood in the ancient world, the word itself does not occur in the New Testament.
And then there is Agape.
Agape is the word that becomes particularly significant in the New Testament's description of God's love and the love Christians are called to have. Agape is self-giving, sacrificial and covenantal love. It is not primarily dependent upon how we feel about another person. It involves our will – our decision to seek another person's good.
Paul's famous writing in 1 Corinthians 13 repeatedly uses this language of love. He places love above spiritual gifts and other expressions of Christian life and reminds us that love endures. This gives us a powerful understanding of Christian love:
Love is a commitment to another person's wellbeing – an earnest desire for and active interest in their flourishing.
God Is Love
John gives us one of the most profound statements about love in 1 John 4:8: “God is love.”
Love is not simply something God does. Love is His very nature. It is woven into the Christian understanding of creation, redemption and life itself. And because we are created in the image of God, we have the capacity to reflect His love. This means that Christian love is expressed both in our devotion to and service of God and in our service of others.
Jesus makes this incredibly practical. In John 13:34–35, He gives His disciples a new commandment: that they love one another. The command to love wasn't new. What was new was the quality and model of the love: “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” Jesus wasn't simply saying, “Be nice to each other.” He was saying: Love as I have loved you. That changes everything.
Love Fulfils the Law
Paul writes in Romans 13:8–10 that love fulfils the law. Why? Because when I genuinely seek another person's wellbeing, I am increasingly living in a way that honours God.
Love changes how I speak.
It changes how I treat people.
It changes how I respond when I am offended.
It changes how I treat people who cannot do anything for me in return.
And perhaps most challenging of all, it changes how I treat people I don't particularly like, who in fact may be my enemy!
Biblical Examples of Love
The Bible gives us many inspiring examples. The greatest example is, of course, Jesus Himself. Romans 5:10 reminds us that Christ died for us while we were still God's enemies. That is love that is anything but transactional.
The Good Samaritan in Luke 10:25–37 demonstrates love through practical action. He doesn't simply feel compassion; he stops, gets involved, takes responsibility and pays a cost for someone else's wellbeing.
Then there is Barnabas. In Acts 9:27, when others were suspicious of Saul for good reason, Barnabas spoke up for him and helped the early church receive him. Barnabas used his influence on behalf of another person. And throughout Acts we see the early church learning to care for one another in practical and sacrificial ways.
Scripture also gives us examples where love was difficult. Jonah struggled to love the people of Nineveh because he did not want them to receive God's mercy, Jonah 4:1-3. The older brother in Jesus' story of the prodigal son struggled to celebrate his brother's return, Luke 15:28-32. And in the story of the Good Samaritan, both the priest and the Levite passed by the wounded man Luke 10:25-37.
These examples remind us that love can be challenging. Sometimes we know what love requires but don't want to give it.
Love Is Formed
So what does it look like when God's Word and Spirit transform us to love? It probably begins with recognising our own self-centredness. We begin to realise how our world revolves around our needs, preferences and desires. Then we learn to care. We begin noticing other people and their needs. Then comes a choice: I choose to love. Eventually, we learn to choose love even when the person is difficult. And over time, choosing love becomes increasingly characteristic of who we are.
The pathway might look something like this:
Self-Centredness → Awareness → Care → Choice → Difficult Love → Consistent Love → Christlike Love
This is important because Christian love isn't simply an emotion. There will always be people we naturally like more than others. But Jesus calls us beyond natural affection. He calls us to love our neighbour. He calls us to love our enemies. He calls us to love as He has loved us.
Love Across the Stages
So what might this look like as we move through the stages of discipleship?
An Infant may begin with:
“I recognise that at times I am profoundly self-centred.”
There is an emerging awareness that life cannot continue to revolve entirely around me.
A Child may say:
“I am learning to love others.”
Love is becoming something they intentionally practise rather than simply something they feel.
An Adolescent may increasingly say:
“I am choosing to care more consistently for others, even those I don't like.”
This is significant growth. Love is no longer limited to those who are easy to love. There is a growing ability to choose the wellbeing of another person even when there is no natural attraction or personal benefit.
And an Adult may increasingly say:
“I choose to love others as a common first choice.” Love is becoming a normal response. Instead of asking, “What do I get out of this?” the mature disciple increasingly asks: “What would love require of me here?”
So, Who Am I Becoming?
This brings us back to our question: Who am I becoming?
Am I becoming someone who primarily looks after myself? Or am I becoming someone who increasingly looks for the wellbeing of others?
Do I love people because they love me?
Do I find it easy to love people who are like me?
How do I respond to people who disagree with me, disappoint me or even oppose me?
And perhaps the most challenging question:
Can I choose to love someone even when I don't particularly like them?
Jesus didn't call us simply to become nicer people. He called us to become like Him. And Jesus' love was self-giving, sacrificial and intentional.
So the question isn't simply:
“Do I feel love for others?”
The better question is:
“Am I increasingly choosing the wellbeing of others, even when it costs me something?”
That is the kind of love Jesus is forming in us. And that is what it means to increasingly become Christlike.
Reflection Questions
Where do I see self-centredness still influencing the way I relate to others?
Who do I find easy to love, and who do I find difficult to love?
Am I willing to choose another person's wellbeing when there is nothing obvious in it for me?
How do I respond when someone disagrees with me, disappoints me or treats me poorly?
Who can I encourage to take a step to love someone they are finding it difficult to love?
Closing Prayer
Lord Jesus,
Thank You that You have shown us what love truly looks like.
Thank You that You loved us when we were not deserving of Your love and gave Yourself for us.
Forgive me for the times when my love has been conditional or transactional.
Forgive me when I have placed my own needs, preferences and desires before the wellbeing of others.
Holy Spirit, help me to recognise my self-centredness and teach me to care.
Help me to choose love, especially when love is difficult.
Give me the grace to love people I don't naturally like, to serve when there is no recognition, and to seek the wellbeing of others even when it costs me something.
May the love of Jesus increasingly become evident in the way I speak, act, serve and relate to others.
Teach me to love as You have loved me.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
Your Next Step
This week, ask the Holy Spirit:
“Who is one person whose wellbeing You are asking me to take more seriously?”
It may be someone you love.
It may be someone you find difficult.
It may be someone from whom you receive nothing in return.
Then do something practical.
Encourage them. Listen to them. Serve them. Forgive them. Pray for them. Speak well of them. Give something of yourself for their benefit.
Don't wait until you feel like loving.
Choose love.
Because love is not simply something we feel.
Love is something we choose – and as we choose it, Christ is formed in us.
This blog was written by Richard Botta.
