Governing yourself is an important character trait, and we need to ensure that it is Spirit-led, because all too often self-control is more about self-effort than the work of the Spirit to empower us to live differently.
We have all had those outbursts that we wish we had not had – moments where our emotions and/or our mouths have gotten the better of us. This is not to say that we should not express our emotions. Why would God give us emotions if He did not expect us to express them? Our emotions are part of who God has created us to be. The issue is not whether we have emotions, but who is governing them.
Our emotions should inform us, but they should not be our leader!
Jesus shows us the healthy expression of emotion when He cleared the temple in John 2:13–17. Jesus' actions were clearly forceful and expressed strong emotion, yet they were directed towards a righteous purpose. The point isn't that Jesus suppressed His emotion, but that His emotion was not uncontrolled, it was Spirit-led. This is an important distinction.
Christian maturity isn't emotional suppression. It is Spirit-led self-government.
Self-Control, Self-Discipline and Composure
I think governing ourselves is expressed through a combination of self-control, self-discipline and composure. Self-control shapes both our character and our conduct. Paul lists self-control as part of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22–23. This is important because self-control is not simply something we manufacture through willpower. It is evidence of the Holy Spirit's work within us.
Paul also reminds Titus that God's grace trains us to reject godless ways and worldly desires and to live lives of self-control in Titus 2:11–12. Self-control, when submitted to the Lord under the power of the Holy Spirit, directs and reshapes our desires. It restrains and retrains them. It gives us the ability to say: “I may want this, but I don't have to do this.”
That is freedom.
Proverbs 25:28 gives us a powerful picture: “Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.” A city without walls is vulnerable and defenceless. In the same way, without self-control we can become vulnerable to every impulse, desire, emotion or temptation that comes our way. But self-control isn't automatic. While it is God's gift, it also involves conscious decisions to develop this way of life.
Composure is another important aspect of governing ourselves. Composure is the capacity to remain steady under pressure, where we trust beyond our circumstances. It is often developed under pressure – particularly when we face unjustified criticism, disappointment or circumstances that are outside our control. Composure is forged in faith, not fear. It is commonly evidenced by peace – a peace that springs from a faith centred on Christ and the conviction that He is enough.
This doesn't mean we don't feel the pressure. It means the pressure doesn't get to determine who we become.
Self-Control in Everyday Life
Self-control reaches into the broad sweep of life. It affects our:
appetites
emotions
sexuality
anger
speech
money
time
reactions
In other words, self-control isn't just about one particular temptation. It is about learning to govern ourselves.
Paul links self-control with the development of Christian character in 2 Peter 1:5–6, where Peter urges believers to add self-control to their faith and then perseverance to self-control.
We are being formed into people who can increasingly govern our lives under the leadership of the Spirit.
Biblical Examples
There are many examples in Scripture. It is hard to go past Joseph, who resisted the advances of Potiphar's wife in Genesis 39. Joseph chose faithfulness to God rather than immediate gratification.
David provides another fascinating example. On more than one occasion he had the opportunity to kill Saul, yet he restrained himself and refused to take revenge.
And then there is Jesus before His accusers. He possessed every reason to defend Himself, yet He remained under control and entrusted Himself to the Father.
Scripture also gives us examples where self-control was absent. David's failure with Bathsheba demonstrates that even someone who had previously exercised remarkable restraint could fail to govern his desires.
Then there is Samson, whose extraordinary physical strength was not matched by consistent self-government. Saul, Esau and Amnon also remind us of the consequences that can flow when desire, impatience or emotion becomes our master. The lesson is important:
Strength without self-control is not maturity.
Self-Control Is Formed
So what does it look like to see God's Word and Spirit transform us in the character trait of self-control? It probably begins with recognising and acknowledging our impulses becoming aware of what tends to control us. Then comes the conviction of the Holy Spirit. We begin to recognise that some desires, reactions or behaviours are not producing the character of Christ in us. Then comes grace in restraint. We learn that we don't have to give in.
We can pause.
We can pray.
We can choose. (Remember Paul says God provides a way of escape when we are tempted in 1 Corinthians 10:13.) And through repeated choices comes intentional self-discipline. Over time, our responses become increasingly governed by the Spirit rather than by impulse.
The journey might look something like this: Recognition → Conviction → Grace → Restraint → Self-Discipline → Spirit-Governed Living → Composure.
Self-Control Across the Stages
So what might this look like across our four stages of discipleship?
An Infant may begin with:
“I am beginning to recognise the things that control me.”
There is an emerging awareness of their impulses, emotions and reactions.
A Child may say:
“I am learning that I don't have to do everything I feel like doing.”
They are beginning to practise restraint and obedience.
An Adolescent may increasingly say:
“I can govern my response, even when my emotions are strong.”
They are developing the strength to pause, choose and respond rather than simply react.
And an Adult may increasingly say:
“My desires, emotions and actions are increasingly governed by the Spirit and aligned with Christ.”
That is mature self-control. Not the absence of emotion. Not the absence of desire. But the increasing ability to govern myself for God's purposes.
So, Who Am I Becoming?
Our question throughout this Character series remains: Who am I becoming?
When I am angry, who is governing me?
When I am criticised, how do I respond?
When I am tempted, what happens?
When I am under pressure, do I become more like Christ or more like my circumstances?
Can I stop and choose?
Can I say no when saying no is right?
Can I remain composed when I am treated unfairly?
And perhaps the most important question:
Is the Holy Spirit increasingly becoming the One who governs my responses?
Self-control is not simply about becoming a more disciplined person. It is about becoming increasingly Spirit-governed.
The goal isn't simply: “I control myself better.”
The deeper goal is: “Christ is increasingly governing my life.”
That is the character God is forming in us.
Reflection Questions
What emotions, desires or impulses most easily get the better of me?
How do I tend to respond when I am criticised, frustrated or under pressure?
Where might the Holy Spirit be inviting me to exercise greater self-control?
What is one area of my life where greater self-discipline would help me become more Christlike?
Of the people I am discipling who can I most encourage in their development of self-control!
Closing Prayer
Lord Jesus,
Thank You for the gift of Your Holy Spirit who is at work within me.
Thank You that I don't have to be governed by my impulses, emotions or desires.
Help me to recognise the things that seek to control me.
Give me the humility to receive Your conviction and the grace to choose obedience.
Teach me to pause before I react, to exercise restraint when I need to, and to develop the self-discipline that enables me to live faithfully.
When I am under pressure, help me to trust You beyond my circumstances.
May Your peace become increasingly evident in me.
Holy Spirit, govern my thoughts, my words, my emotions, my desires and my actions so that the character of Christ becomes increasingly evident in my life.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
Your Next Step
This week, identify one situation where you regularly react rather than choose.
When that situation occurs, practise three simple steps:
Pause → Pray → Choose.
Don't simply ask: “What do I feel like doing?”
Ask: “What response would most reflect Christ in this moment?”
Then choose it. You may not get it right every time. This is formation, not perfection.
But each intentional act of Spirit-led self-control is another step towards becoming the person God is forming you to be.
Self-control is not simply learning to say no to yourself. It is learning to say yes to Christ.
This blog was written by Richard Botta.
